Very often, talking about money in the family is still TABOO. What was it like in your family when you were a child? What patterns of behavior of your parents with finances do you repeat? Why is it worth looking back to childhood?
Family psychologist, Agnieška Kašinska, together with personal finance mentor Vita Brasiene, discusses the influence of childhood experiences on a person’s ability to manage their finances.
“Often, our behavior with money during our career stage (when we are already earning money ourselves) tends to be similar to what we developed in childhood. For example, if we learned to spend all money we received in childhood and did not change that habit, then during our career stage we are likely to live “from paycheck to paycheck.”
1. Why is it important to manage your finances?
The answer is simple, but implementation often causes difficulties.
We need to manage our personal finances in order to clearly know the situation in our wallet. Clarity gives a sense of peace and self-confidence – “I can achieve this, have it and I clearly know how to do it”. Another important thing is that proper money management allows us to achieve our financial goals faster and in the long term have the option of choosing from what age we would like to work less, or maybe not work at all. However, this requires capital. The option of choice gives a person a sense of freedom, relaxation and the knowledge that he himself is the master of his life, says personal finance mentor Vita Brasienė.
Family therapist Agnieška Kašinska secondly states that clarity and choice provide a sense of security, which is especially important for adult children of parents who did not know how to manage finances, for example: the family was too frugal and children were not taught to enjoy achievements or vice versa, too vastful, in constant debt and instability. Both options lead to a high probability that children who grew up in such family will have difficulty finding balance. Therefore, being interested in and learning to manage finances is a useful skill for improving the quality of life.
2. What do we bring from childhood when it comes to financial management?
Childhood is an important stage in a person’s life, when various habits and attitudes are formed, explains V. Brasienė. The same applies to money, the relationship with it. And if we do nothing about it, in many cases our behavior with money at the career stage (when we already earn money ourselves) tends to be similar to that formed in childhood. For example, if we learned to spend all money we received in childhood and did not change this habit, then at the career stage we are likely to live “from paycheck to paycheck”.
Let’s ask ourselves how similar my behavior with money is with my parents behavior? Or how opposite? What is similar or different? What values were I raised with and what values do I support now? These questions allow us to assess how conscious you are in managing your finances – advises A. Kašinska. A psychologist’s consultation is a good place to discuss this.
3. How to notice inherited childhood patterns?
We can notice ourselves by using simplified models, consciously observing ourselves, recording it and consulting with specialists. Analizing logically and being honest with yourself is an effective tool. Sometimes by answering a specialist’s questions loud, we can see ourselves from a different perspective and find answers. The specialist’s knowledge and experience provide the opportunity to direct the process in the right direction and accompany and support you on this incredibly interesting journey.
4. How to “fix” childhood patterns?
Habits that have formed that are inappropriate or no longer useful to you need to be replaced with new ones.
First of all, we need to find and name within ourselves what benefits this “useless” habit has given me (and still gives me). Then replace it with another one – step by step, consistently, and not boldly, because in the long run we will return to old habits. It is also very useful to have a mentor who helps when it is difficult, directs when necessary or simply supports, advises financial mentor V. Brasienė.
Relationship psychologist, Agnieška Kašinska complements the benefits of useless habits with the psychological term “secondary benefits”. Secondary benefits from problems in other words is why it is useful for you to experience this problem. For example, a secondary benefit of living from paycheck to paycheck may be the fear that relatives or friends will ask to borrow money, and when you don’t have it yourself, you won’t have to say “no”. Meanwhile, this person is unable to say “no”. Sometimes deeper therapy is needed in order to bring behavioral patterns to the surface. Continuing on the topic of correcting bad habits, the psychologist echoes the financial mentor – habits need to be replaced with others, not simply stopped. Because the psyche associates stopping with “deprivation or harm”, and when harm occurs, you need to defend yourself. In order to prevent defense mechanisms from being activated, it is advisable to give something in return, but closer to achievment of desired goal. For example, there is a habit of going shopping as soon as you get paid without limiting the amount, then you can change it to going shopping a few days before your paycheck and setting a budget. So we don’t say “no” to ourselves, but say “yes” with a condition.
5. Three the most important personal finance tips.
First of all, understand that you are unique and that your money management system should be like that – unique, exclusive – you need to be not afraid to get to know yourself and experiment. Don’t believe if someone says that there is an universal, one-size-fits-all money management system.
Secondly, don’t judge yourself if you don’t get it right away or if you make a mistake – these are all just lessons, and money management is a process, a journey.
Thirdly, believe in yourself – you will definitely succeed.
Meanwhile, couples psychologist A. Kašinska advises paying attention to your feelings that arise while solving financial issues, they contain a lot of valuable information about you, the causes and consequences of your behavior.
Family psychologist Agnieška Kašinska
Personal finance mentor Vita Brasienė