Relationship addiction is the feeling that you can’t survive without this person. No one else will satisfy your needs as well as he does. No matter what price you pay for being in this relationship.
More about relationship addiction is presented by couples psychologist Agnieška Kašinska.
“Relationship dependency is the unconscious shifting of responsibility for meeting one’s needs onto one’s partner. Taking care of yourself is not only not shameful, it is mandatory.”
Are you addicted to relationships? How to determine this?
A person who is addicted to relationships primarily gives a lot of energy to relationships. If you think about it, what percentage of your thoughts are occupied by thoughts about relationships? Most likely, the answer would be a large majority. And where are other life needs, such as personal development, doing what you love, taking care of your health, career issues? If you notice that everything listed is forgotten or somewhere in the background, this is one of the important signals to think about what kind of relationship you are in.
The next, quite common symptom, thinking patterns, that even if I am unhappy with the relationship, I still hope that someday everything will work out, and the thought of leaving the relationship is so terrible that it can cause a panic attack. In this case, the fear of being abandoned also contributes.
You are inclined to sacrifice possible equal relationships, a sense of security, emotional and physical well-being in order to avoid direct conflict with your partner, where if the conflict escalates, there is a chance of being abandoned. As a result, you tolerate your partner’s toxic behavior towards you, sometimes even encourage your significant other to behave in this way, because being a victim for you means not being the cause. However, in psychology, very often the victim is the provocative party (in this case, we are not talking about relationships with a narcissistic personality, with a narcissistic partner, it is precisely the victim who needs to be given a lot of support and help so that she begins to admit to herself that she is being abused, and not always blame herself for unhealthy relationships. A narcissistic partner never takes responsibility, but shifts it to someone else).
How does relationship addiction develop? What is its cause?
This is a behavioral pattern that was formed in childhood – conflict avoidance. When parents did not meet the child’s needs, they denied them, shamed them, and even worse, if they mocked them, then in order for the child to survive (the child subconsciously understands that he cannot leave the house if he does not like something, he is still too weak, so the psyche “turns off” some reactions so as not to hurt) the psyche makes it so that children feel less emotions and at the same time turn off needs. Let’s say, the child was scared and asked to be picked up, and the father jokes that you are such a big boy to want this, keep walking yourself. Then it becomes fixed that feeling fear is a shame, saying it out loud is also the same. You need to ignore it, silence it. This is how a personality grows up who does not hear their needs and feelings, their sound is very muted. There are no feelings, no needs, no conflicts, the child adapts very “well” – says relationship psychologist A. Kašinska.
How to stop being dependent?
Learn to listen to yourself. Very often during personal therapy, we do various practices, homework, designed to hear ourselves, says relationships counselor A. Kašinska. At first, that inner voice whispers very quietly, it takes a lot of patience and compassion for yourself to hear it. Start with very simple physiological needs, do I want to eat now, do I want to drink now, or maybe I just want to relax and lie down? Listen to your body, what your body wants, communicate with it. The mind will try to mislead you, convince you that, for example you need alcohol to relax, while the body gives signs that it is tired and wants a massage. A lot of needs come through body signals. The question: “How do I feel?” should become a constant companion, ask yourself and answer it as often as possible. At first, it will be difficult, but over the time you will begin to hear the answer.
All of the above practices lead to recognize your feelings and needs, which results in the realization that you can satisfy your own needs, hear and empathize, and not expect to receive this only from your partner. As a result, you no longer become dependent on relationships, because you, yourself can do THAT.
In summary, dependence on relationships is a subconscious shifting of responsibility for satisfying your needs to your partner. Taking care of yourself is not only not shameful, but it is mandatory. It doesn’t matter that you were taught differently in childhood. By learning to make yourself happy, you create equal, safe, mutually loving and healthy emotional relationships.
Couples psychologist Agnieška Kašinska